Mitch Hedberg

I was under the weather last night, and lost two or three hours when the rest of the world was unconscious. (I know you're worried; rest assured I'm on the mend.) In those moments when I needed a little hug, a little love from the world, I opened up the laptop and found Mitch Hedberg.

As you may remember, I am a great lover of stand-up comedians, or at least the ones that are good. I hear Mitch Hedberg from time to time on XM, and came across a long page of his jokes on WikiQuote. In the middle of the night, in imperfect health, I was laughing and happy, so thank you Mitch.

Here is the page. It really is funnier if you know his inflections, so track down some video of him if you can. Here were a couple favorite lines:

I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!" So it said, "You can have this product for four easy payments of 19.95." I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination; good luck, fucker! The last payment must be made in wampum!

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."